DEFUSING THE POWER OF "NEGATIVE" THOUGHTS

I can be quite a "negative" thinker at times; full of thoughts of anger, disappointment, failure, hurt, etc. In the past I have been able to maintain a "positive" outlook, reflecting faith in myself, in life, in others, and a hope and confidence that I could "keep on keeping on" in spite of life's challenges and difficulties. But the "negative thinking" of hopelessness and despair sometimes is sometimes simply "what's there" and is not about to be replaced with "positive thinking" regardless of how hard I may try to accomplish this. At these times what might be referred to as "depression" takes hold of my thoughts and prevails at least for a while, perhaps a few days. Whatever I see is interpreted in such a way that I am a victim or others are victims at the effect and mercy of something or someone else. This state of mind is accompanied by a powerlessness and hopelessness that I can even feel in my body as it becomes sore and exhausted, causing me to want to just sleep.

During these times I seek some kind of relief from this onslaught of negative thoughts. I don't pray because I really don't believe in that kind of "rescuing God," or any God, for that matter. I find that to be more wishful thinking than anything else, and very disappointing in that respect. I don't believe in depending on something like that which I really can't trust within my own experience, if that makes sense to you. So, what I've found most helpful over the last thirty years or so is Buddhist meditation, specifically zazen or vipassana, which are variations of the same practice of what I would call simply "being with yourself" in the sense of self-observation, or observing your thoughts as they come and go without following or becoming involved in them, which I call "following them down the rabbit hole."

When I find myself affected by very funky moods that derive from this particular line of negative thoughts, I recommit to a daily schedule of forty minutes of zazen. These last few times I've sat have revealed certain insights of what this process is doing for me, and I trust it because it "makes absolute sense" to me and I also experience a deep sense of peace, if not self-understanding, as a result. For me, zazen effectively defuses the power of my negative thoughts over me. Though I started meditating in the local Buddhist zendo, it is probably just as effective when I do it in my own home. I don't need or particularly appreciate all the Japanese Buddhist accoutrements; I just need the self-observational, or perhaps more accurately, the thought- and body-watching attributes of the meditation.

This meditation allows one to sit and simply observe one's thoughts as they arise, and also one's tendency to "go with" the thoughts, i.e. to react and respond to them, which, in turn, creates more thoughts to react and respond to. As I sit and watch, I am able to see these thoughts as angry, or hurt, or bitter, or painful, or depressive. Sometimes I can even feel them in my muscles or in soreness and tension within my body. But my point is that, by watching the thoughts without following them further, that is, by recognizing them but not reacting to them, they lose their draw, their power, and I am more detached from them. They have not so much control over me. I can see that they are merely my thoughts; I can desensitize myself from them and not have to feel this way or that way because of them. Their power over me diminishes simply through my detached observation of them and of myself as they come into my mind. They also slow down since I am not "feeding" them with my own reactions, and they lose their intensity, and their power, until, at times, they simply ... stop.

In addition to this, as I am aware of these negative thoughts and their connections within my physical body, and as I notice them and their sensations and tensions within my body, they move around my body, sometimes becoming very intense. But then they fade away and vanish, at least for the time being, an my body becomes more and more relaxed. I find my mind becoming peaceful and my body becoming relaxed simply by doing this practice of meditation. Of course, I say "simply" knowing full well that it is not simple in the sense that it is "easy"; it requires a commitment and discipline, but, as I do it each day, I am furthered by its "positive" effects of peace, relaxation, and clarity of mind.

I offer this not as a remedy for everyone, but as something that helps me. It is within my power and not some external magical or divine deity; it is within my grasp, so to speak, and I can trust it as my own. It is not so beyond me as it is within me, which is what I prefer. For those with more faith than I, Godspeed them, but I, for one, prefer my own psychological speed of understanding and comprehension. That's how I am. I offer this in the hope that it might help someone else to find peace, relaxation, and clarity of mind.

DO WE CONSUME OUR LIVES OR DO THEY CONSUME US?

How do we spend our lives? Do we consume our life or does it consume us? Is there even that kind of dichotomy at all? Some of us live quite "purposeful" lives; there is a purpose and direction and reason for us to live, and we do what we can to fulfil that. Or so we tell ourselves and/or are told by the society and culture in which we live -- and have been accordingly brain-washed or made to believe wholeheartedly and without question. This is akin to believing in heaven or believing in God, which, in a greater context, may be human inventions to ward off not only our fear of death, but also of purposeless and meaninglessness. Such is the existential dilemma.

We are possessed within our DNA itself of a reason and purpose to live, and that is: to live in and of itself. We are survival machines, as are all animate forms. But the human dilemma is that somewhere within ourselves we know that this is simply not enough. On one hand, we claim, "I'd rather die than live like or be treated like an animal," while, on the other, we can be quite satisfied living like animals as long as we are the dominant animal. We believe we have scruples, or morals, and right behavior, but in reality we are often quite abominable as a species.

But perhaps I can be more merciful, and forgiving of the human race, which also includes myself. This "paradox of being human," which is obvious to some, is forever not obvious to the oblivious, who are the great majority. Jesus spoke of the need to "turn the other cheek," which is a most pragmatic notion. My own own version of that is, "Go with the flow and roll with the punches." We cannot fight the river's current, but must find ways to use it as best we can to cause as little harm as possible. I suppose I'm saying that our intentions must be good, but I also believe the adage that, "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions." We must also show some intelligence, some ability to make decisions that are in accord with Reality rather than simply what we believe, or society or culture believes to be real. Unlike the intelligent practicality present within animals, we humans think that we can see things the way we want to see them rather than the way they are. We are willing to die for this, which sets us apart from nature. Is this "divine," as some might claim, or is it absurd. Or, is it absurd that we actually create situations in which such seeming choices must seemingly be made? Is our existence of value at all? Or is it mere ephemeral shadow play?

And the problems in this is that there is always a greater reality, a greater context, whether we are unaware of it by ignorance or by choice. An academic friend of mine, in researching the ancient language of Genesis, found that it actually says something to the effect that, "In the beginning, He created God and then God created ...". So humans claimed this or that "God" as their own cultural property, but what about this greater context. And what about our refusal and/or inability to even be willing to go there?