DEFUSING THE POWER OF "NEGATIVE" THOUGHTS

I can be quite a "negative" thinker at times; full of thoughts of anger, disappointment, failure, hurt, etc. In the past I have been able to maintain a "positive" outlook, reflecting faith in myself, in life, in others, and a hope and confidence that I could "keep on keeping on" in spite of life's challenges and difficulties. But the "negative thinking" of hopelessness and despair sometimes is sometimes simply "what's there" and is not about to be replaced with "positive thinking" regardless of how hard I may try to accomplish this. At these times what might be referred to as "depression" takes hold of my thoughts and prevails at least for a while, perhaps a few days. Whatever I see is interpreted in such a way that I am a victim or others are victims at the effect and mercy of something or someone else. This state of mind is accompanied by a powerlessness and hopelessness that I can even feel in my body as it becomes sore and exhausted, causing me to want to just sleep.

During these times I seek some kind of relief from this onslaught of negative thoughts. I don't pray because I really don't believe in that kind of "rescuing God," or any God, for that matter. I find that to be more wishful thinking than anything else, and very disappointing in that respect. I don't believe in depending on something like that which I really can't trust within my own experience, if that makes sense to you. So, what I've found most helpful over the last thirty years or so is Buddhist meditation, specifically zazen or vipassana, which are variations of the same practice of what I would call simply "being with yourself" in the sense of self-observation, or observing your thoughts as they come and go without following or becoming involved in them, which I call "following them down the rabbit hole."

When I find myself affected by very funky moods that derive from this particular line of negative thoughts, I recommit to a daily schedule of forty minutes of zazen. These last few times I've sat have revealed certain insights of what this process is doing for me, and I trust it because it "makes absolute sense" to me and I also experience a deep sense of peace, if not self-understanding, as a result. For me, zazen effectively defuses the power of my negative thoughts over me. Though I started meditating in the local Buddhist zendo, it is probably just as effective when I do it in my own home. I don't need or particularly appreciate all the Japanese Buddhist accoutrements; I just need the self-observational, or perhaps more accurately, the thought- and body-watching attributes of the meditation.

This meditation allows one to sit and simply observe one's thoughts as they arise, and also one's tendency to "go with" the thoughts, i.e. to react and respond to them, which, in turn, creates more thoughts to react and respond to. As I sit and watch, I am able to see these thoughts as angry, or hurt, or bitter, or painful, or depressive. Sometimes I can even feel them in my muscles or in soreness and tension within my body. But my point is that, by watching the thoughts without following them further, that is, by recognizing them but not reacting to them, they lose their draw, their power, and I am more detached from them. They have not so much control over me. I can see that they are merely my thoughts; I can desensitize myself from them and not have to feel this way or that way because of them. Their power over me diminishes simply through my detached observation of them and of myself as they come into my mind. They also slow down since I am not "feeding" them with my own reactions, and they lose their intensity, and their power, until, at times, they simply ... stop.

In addition to this, as I am aware of these negative thoughts and their connections within my physical body, and as I notice them and their sensations and tensions within my body, they move around my body, sometimes becoming very intense. But then they fade away and vanish, at least for the time being, an my body becomes more and more relaxed. I find my mind becoming peaceful and my body becoming relaxed simply by doing this practice of meditation. Of course, I say "simply" knowing full well that it is not simple in the sense that it is "easy"; it requires a commitment and discipline, but, as I do it each day, I am furthered by its "positive" effects of peace, relaxation, and clarity of mind.

I offer this not as a remedy for everyone, but as something that helps me. It is within my power and not some external magical or divine deity; it is within my grasp, so to speak, and I can trust it as my own. It is not so beyond me as it is within me, which is what I prefer. For those with more faith than I, Godspeed them, but I, for one, prefer my own psychological speed of understanding and comprehension. That's how I am. I offer this in the hope that it might help someone else to find peace, relaxation, and clarity of mind.

ON BEING "TORN": A DILEMMA OF "BEING"

My original intention was to write something in this blog often, even daily. But it hasn't worked out like that. The exigencies, and, frankly, the distractions of life have taken my attention too often to other places than here. And this dilemma faces me in many forms almost constantly. For instance, on one hand, I feel that I should sit down and write as I am doing right now. But, in truth, I seriously wonder if I'm saying anything worth saying, and that my time might be much better spent if I were reading the "wisdom," or, at least, insights and perceptions of others. I don't know if anyone finds this blog in any way useful, but I certainly find what some people have to say to be interesting, if not useful. And I have an inherent reluctance to try to decipher my own thoughts so that you might understand what I'm talking about. I say "you" but I probably mean "me." Isn't that how we are anyway?

So there is this notion of being "torn." But there is more that I see in this dilemma; it pertains to "fate" or even "Fate." I saw a thought-provoking movie last night, called The Time-Traveler's Wife. For me it was a portrayal of the fluidity and relativity of time and space, and of how we lock ourselves in, if you will, to certain realities and very specific ways of seeing. Tied in to this line of thought, for me anyway, is the idea of Fate, or what is destined to occur. We usually view Fate as "out there" rather than "in here." In other words, it is extenal to our internal being. It happens to us and we are the recipients of Fate. I almost deifying it with the capital "F" and I don't quite want to do it like that, so take it with a grain of salt.

We see Fate much like we see Nature; as "out there." We separate ourselves from both Fate and Nature, that we view as happening to us. However, this is NOT how it is at all, in my estimation. The way I see it is that there is Fate "out there" to the extent that we are out there and not present with or within ourselves. In truth, we are a part of Fate, if you will, just as we are a part of Nature. Or Fate is a part of us just as Nature is a part of us. We cannot separate ourselves from either Fate or Nature. And I see that this is part and parcel of the argument that we have "free will" even in the midst of the power of Fate and/or Nature. I'm biting off more than I can chew or care to chew here, but now I see us in the role of Job, who is nothing compared to God, but he discovers that his recognition of the power of God, and his absolute reality of comprehension in that recognition, ties him to God and, consequently, God's power. Could this be Ahab tied on Moby Dick?

I wanted to keep it simple and then just wind it up more or less neatly, but I've failed and only confused things more. However, this is the Fate of the moment; to open it all up further and make it more and more complex. Fate is no so simple, and the problem is that we want it to all be "understandable." If it could all just "make sense," we would be happy. We would know we were "good" or that "God loves us" or even "bad" and are going to be punished. But it's not so easy or so simple as that, and, what's worse, we have to live with the often horrendous contraditions. We are contradictions to ourselves. This is what happens when you realize that at least a very small part of your fate lies in your own hands. One who claims to know told me that the Tibetan Buddhist prayer, "Om mani padme hum" translates to, "I hold the lotus in my hand." And I am the lotus as well as the hand holding it. This "fatedness" is the essence of existence. It is also reflected in Jung's notion of the "transcendent function," in which all the variables of life are included, even those not known. And so I find myself abit "torn" somewhat often. Sealing the deck of my home has been somewhat properly distracting. Perhaps life is meant to be one big overwhelming distraction...